"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson
"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers
"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler
"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler
"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert
"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert
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