Recent Late-Night Political Jokes

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton to replace Condoleezza Rice as his secretary of state. How about that, huh? That would make Hillary the new white rice, I guess." --Jay Leno

"And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting." --Jay Leno

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno

"Disgraced congressman Mark Foley is talking to the press again. Do you know who he is? Do you remember this Mark Foley guy? He was the congressman who got caught sending explicit emails to underage male pages. Remember that? Do you think he learned his lesson? I don't know. Do you know why he's in town? Jonas Brothers concert. Yeah. It seems so wrong." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Maher

"They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I'd like to quote this directly. She said, 'I'm like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.' Even Britney Spears is at home going, 'You dumb s**t.' Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don't let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.'" --Bill Maher

"The big political scuttlebutt now is that Obama apparently is asking Hillary Clinton to be secretary of state. A grueling job that would take her all over the world, constantly away from home. Bill Clinton said 'Go for it!'" --Bill Maher

"Cindy McCain was in the Enquirer, did you see this? Apparently, she is cheating on John McCain. They had a picture of her sucking face with a guy they said was an '80s rocker. Ooh, such mystery. Who could that be? Billy Squier? Billy Idol? I don't know. But yeah, apparently, poor John McCain. Unlucky in love. Fortunately, he still has his reputation and his career." --Bill Maher

"President-elect Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a cabinet. And the big rumor today is he might name Hillary Clinton secretary of state. That would be something -- finally a secretary Bill doesn't want to sleep with." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"The last one to be leashed and neutered in the White House was Bill Clinton in his second term." --David Letterman

"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman

"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They've been writing about when Barack Obama's daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they're gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, 'Great, four more years of making Spaghettio's and chicken fingers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw." --Conan O'Brien

"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper." --Conan O'Brien

"It's official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear' [on screen: photo of Obama]." --Seth Meyers

On Monday, First Lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook." --Seth Meyers

"Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operations, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he's not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds." --Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers

Tags: Seth Meyers, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Jay Leno, comedy, satire, jokes

Late-Night Political Jokes

"Political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, 'Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented? Already?'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day One: American Held Hostage!'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama's wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack's first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that's it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm." --Jay Leno

"People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'" --Jay Leno

"Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain's campaign bus on eBay." --Jay Leno

"In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That's what he said. It's going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy when they move into the White House. You see that, he promised them a puppy. There's a long tradition of presidential pets. The first President Bush had Millie. Remember Millie, the White House dog? The current Bushes have two dogs, named Barney and Scott. Do you know the name of the dog in the Clinton White House? Bill. Bill was the dog." --Jay Leno

"Nnow that the election is over, people around the world are hoping that America will be less arrogant. Yeah. Ah, who the hell cares what those foreigners think? To heck with them. Lousy foreigners." --David Letterman

"And as you know, like they say, Barack Obama hits the ground running. He is already naming people to be part of the staff. He picked a guy Rahm Emanuel. Rahm Emanuel, is that the holiday the writers are always taking off?" --David Letterman

"But Obama is busy putting together his presidential cabinet. McCain, John McCain, Senator McCain is putting together his medicine cabinet. Maalox, Metamucil, Polydent, on and on." --David Letterman

"Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"I love stuff like this, because it so early that everything now is new and cute and the Obama family looking for a White House dog. ... Once the Obama's choose a dog, he must then be confirmed by the Senate." --David Letterman

"But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached." --David Letterman

"This is fun, because Republican campaign insiders are now spilling their guts about Sarah Palin. Apparently she's not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose, she pistol-whipped it." --David Letterman

"I get this feeling that the country's starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn't that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, 'While I give you a tour, the girls can watch 'Spongebob' with the president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama -- there's a town in Japan called Obama -- say they're going to invite Barack Obama to visit. Yeah. And actually, a similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected, and he was invited to Horndog, Thailand." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers." --Conan O'Brien

"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After this week's election, this is true, thousands of mothers in Kenya are expected to name their babies Barack Obama. Isn't that cool? Yeah. And then, they'll all be adopted by Angelina Jolie. She's going to have 600,000 kids named Barack Obama" --Conan O'Brien

Newsweek magazine and Fox News are reporting that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, she thought this was a country. She didn't know what countries were in the North American Free Trade Agreement, even though it's just us, Canada, and Mexico in North America. Another story said two top McCain aides came to her hotel room to brief her, she came out wet, and wearing nothing but a towel. It sounds a little bit like they're talking about Jessica Simpson, but they're not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But what's interesting about these stories is they come from inside the McCain camp. ... But they're even more horrified by all the money she spent on clothes than they initially let on. Apparently, they told her buy three suit for the convention, and instead she went out and bought $150,000 stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in the mouth, she ruined a $1,200 pair of Manolo Blahniks. The McCain aides described it, and this is a quote, as 'Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"She's still a fighter, though. Upon arriving back in Alaska today ... this was her response to allegations she didn't know that Africa was a continent [on screen: Palin rebuffing charges that she didn't know answers to the aforementioned questions, saying the charges came from a small, bitter type of person]. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to watching Russia. And I wouldn't want to be an elk or a caribou right about now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin has been tagged and reintroduced into the wild. And now that her race for the White House has ended, the news thought it might be a good time to fill us in on some of her shortcomings [on screen: FNC's Carl Cameron talks about reported shortcomings of Palin, such as there were 'real problems with basic civics, government structures, municipal, state and federal government responsibilities']. Well, okay, lots of restaurant children's place mats have civics fun facts. She could have picked that stuff up [on screen: Cameron saying Palin allegedly didn't know Africa is a continent, not a country]. ... All right, big deal, big deal [on screen: Cameron saying Palin allegedly can't name the countries in North America]. She can't name them, but she knows them. I mean there is us, there's gay us to the north, and burrito place." --Jon Stewart

"Well, she wasn't picked for her knowledge. She was picked for her personality [on screen: Cameron continuing his report, saying Palin would look at her press clippings each morning and throw a tantrum]. At least she was reading. I have a question, Jon Stewart from the White Chocolate News. Why are we just hearing about this now? [on screen: Cameron saying 'I wish I can could have told you back at the time, but all of it was put off the record until after the election']. Let me guess, when the Iraq war is over, you got a great story for us" --Jon Stewart

"Sarah Palin thinks the alphabet has 22 letters. She's so dumb she thinks the capital of China is Chinatown. Sarah Palin is so dumb, she thinks billboards are postcards from Giants. The governor of Alaska is so dumb, she thinks soy milk is Spanish for 'I am milk.'" --Daily Show correspondent Wyatt Cenac

David Letterman's Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin

10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner.
9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Governor Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips.
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2."
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories."
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available everywhere.
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs.
3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's.
2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe #12 on "Deal Or No Deal."
1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"

Tags: Late-Night Political Jokes, David Letterman, Wyatt Cenac, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno

Late-Night Political Jokes Oct. 24-25, 2008

"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher

"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher

"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher

"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher

"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher

"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher

"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher

"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And what makes it even stranger is that Sarah Palin knows full well that God supports Barack Obama. I mean, look [on screen: Oprah stumping for Obama in IA after endorsing him]. There she is, at one of his rallies!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tags: Late-Night Political Jokes Oct. 24-25, 2008, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers

Recent Late Night Political Jokes

"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert

"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Recent Late Night Political Jokes, Stephen Colbert, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel

Recent Late Night Jokes

"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson

"Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick." --Craig Ferguson

"Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people." --Craig Ferguson

"And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist]. I was going to go with sheep-f***er." --Jon Stewart

"The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle plan tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that, most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying it's 'reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington]. Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08!" --Jon Stewart

"Now, you can argue this country has dabbled in socialism ever since the income tax was introduced, and calling Obama's plan socialist is a simple deploy that McCain realizes is a bankrupt tactic. Or should I say, realized [on screen: a college student asking McCain why it is that her dad, as a doctor, is penalized in a 'huge tax bracket.' McCain answers that it's because 'to some degree,' he feels that 'obviously that wealthy people can afford more.' The student then asks whether we're 'getting closer to socialism.' McCain says that he believes that 'when you reach a certain level of comfort, there is nothing wrong with paying somewhat more']. That, of course, is the late socialist leader, John McCain. I believe he passed away during the Republican primaries. He will be missed" --Jon Stewart

"Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe. But there is still a huge threat out there. Not al Qaeda, a more sinister organization: ACORN. This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something: voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud [on screen: McCain saying ACORN is participating in one of the 'greatest frauds in voter history in this country' that 'may be destroying the fabric of democracy']. And we all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile, because it is made out of the Founding Fathers' pantyhose." --Stephen Colbert

"You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse" --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Recent Late Night Jokes