Showing posts with label Bill Maher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bill Maher. Show all posts
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Recent Late-Night Political Jokes
"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno
"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno
"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno
"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno
"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno
"The big rumor in Washington is that Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton to replace Condoleezza Rice as his secretary of state. How about that, huh? That would make Hillary the new white rice, I guess." --Jay Leno
"And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting." --Jay Leno
"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno
"Disgraced congressman Mark Foley is talking to the press again. Do you know who he is? Do you remember this Mark Foley guy? He was the congressman who got caught sending explicit emails to underage male pages. Remember that? Do you think he learned his lesson? I don't know. Do you know why he's in town? Jonas Brothers concert. Yeah. It seems so wrong." --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno
"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Maher
"They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I'd like to quote this directly. She said, 'I'm like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.' Even Britney Spears is at home going, 'You dumb s**t.' Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don't let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?" --Bill Maher
"Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.'" --Bill Maher
"The big political scuttlebutt now is that Obama apparently is asking Hillary Clinton to be secretary of state. A grueling job that would take her all over the world, constantly away from home. Bill Clinton said 'Go for it!'" --Bill Maher
"Cindy McCain was in the Enquirer, did you see this? Apparently, she is cheating on John McCain. They had a picture of her sucking face with a guy they said was an '80s rocker. Ooh, such mystery. Who could that be? Billy Squier? Billy Idol? I don't know. But yeah, apparently, poor John McCain. Unlucky in love. Fortunately, he still has his reputation and his career." --Bill Maher
"President-elect Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a cabinet. And the big rumor today is he might name Hillary Clinton secretary of state. That would be something -- finally a secretary Bill doesn't want to sleep with." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman
"The last one to be leashed and neutered in the White House was Bill Clinton in his second term." --David Letterman
"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman
"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien
"Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They've been writing about when Barack Obama's daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they're gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, 'Great, four more years of making Spaghettio's and chicken fingers.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'" --Conan O'Brien
"People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw." --Conan O'Brien
"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper." --Conan O'Brien
"It's official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear' [on screen: photo of Obama]." --Seth Meyers
On Monday, First Lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook." --Seth Meyers
"Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operations, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he's not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds." --Seth Meyers
"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers
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Sunday, November 16, 2008
Bill Maher 20081114 Obama World
Bill Maher does a funny bit making fum of those who are preaching "doom and gloom" now that Obama is the president elect.
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Real Time With Bill Maher - New Rules - 11/14/08
Bill once again hits another comedic politics home run.
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Friday, November 14, 2008
Bill Maher Predicted Current Economic Crisis in 2005
He was spot on predicting the incoming financial crisis fueled by Republican controlled Congress and their lack of financial oversight and restraint.
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Saturday, November 08, 2008
Bill Maher - New Rules - 11/07/08
Another hilarious "new rules" segment from the comedian giant, Bill Maher himself.
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Thursday, November 06, 2008
Larry King: Bill Maher Weighs In On The Election
Larry King gets Bill Maher's thoughts on the Obama win.
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Sunday, November 02, 2008
Michael Moore on Real Time with Bill Maher - Jokes About Indoctrination, World Domination
"After years of indoctrinating America with my movies and books, we're going to have world domination and it will be complete." -- Michael Moore on Real Time with Bill Maher, Halloween, 2008
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Monday, October 27, 2008
Late-Night Political Jokes Oct. 24-25, 2008
"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers
"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers
"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher
"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher
"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher
"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher
"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher
"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher
"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher
"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher
"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher
"The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"And what makes it even stranger is that Sarah Palin knows full well that God supports Barack Obama. I mean, look [on screen: Oprah stumping for Obama in IA after endorsing him]. There she is, at one of his rallies!" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel
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Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
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