Recent Late-Night Political Jokes

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton to replace Condoleezza Rice as his secretary of state. How about that, huh? That would make Hillary the new white rice, I guess." --Jay Leno

"And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting." --Jay Leno

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno

"Disgraced congressman Mark Foley is talking to the press again. Do you know who he is? Do you remember this Mark Foley guy? He was the congressman who got caught sending explicit emails to underage male pages. Remember that? Do you think he learned his lesson? I don't know. Do you know why he's in town? Jonas Brothers concert. Yeah. It seems so wrong." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Maher

"They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I'd like to quote this directly. She said, 'I'm like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.' Even Britney Spears is at home going, 'You dumb s**t.' Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don't let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.'" --Bill Maher

"The big political scuttlebutt now is that Obama apparently is asking Hillary Clinton to be secretary of state. A grueling job that would take her all over the world, constantly away from home. Bill Clinton said 'Go for it!'" --Bill Maher

"Cindy McCain was in the Enquirer, did you see this? Apparently, she is cheating on John McCain. They had a picture of her sucking face with a guy they said was an '80s rocker. Ooh, such mystery. Who could that be? Billy Squier? Billy Idol? I don't know. But yeah, apparently, poor John McCain. Unlucky in love. Fortunately, he still has his reputation and his career." --Bill Maher

"President-elect Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a cabinet. And the big rumor today is he might name Hillary Clinton secretary of state. That would be something -- finally a secretary Bill doesn't want to sleep with." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"The last one to be leashed and neutered in the White House was Bill Clinton in his second term." --David Letterman

"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman

"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They've been writing about when Barack Obama's daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they're gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, 'Great, four more years of making Spaghettio's and chicken fingers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw." --Conan O'Brien

"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper." --Conan O'Brien

"It's official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear' [on screen: photo of Obama]." --Seth Meyers

On Monday, First Lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook." --Seth Meyers

"Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operations, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he's not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds." --Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers

Tags: Seth Meyers, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Jay Leno, comedy, satire, jokes

Late-Night Political Jokes Oct. 24-25, 2008

"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher

"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher

"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher

"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher

"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher

"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher

"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher

"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"And what makes it even stranger is that Sarah Palin knows full well that God supports Barack Obama. I mean, look [on screen: Oprah stumping for Obama in IA after endorsing him]. There she is, at one of his rallies!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel

Tags: Late-Night Political Jokes Oct. 24-25, 2008, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Seth Meyers

Recent Late Night Political Jokes

"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert

"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Recent Late Night Political Jokes, Stephen Colbert, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel

Late-Night Political Jokes

"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker." --Jay Leno

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man, how he could help him. You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno

"Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them." --Jay Leno

"Well, there was rumors going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he's human." --Jay Leno

"I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there." --Jay Leno

"A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress?" --Jay Leno

"And in a statement with his wife standing next to him -- and the wives always stand; only in politics do the wives stand next to you when you do this kind of stuff -- Mahoney said this is a private matter. The most important thing to him now is his wife. Well, that's got to make her feel special. Of all the women he's sleeping with, you're number one" --Jay Leno

"A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they've seen enough and they don't want any more presidential debates. That's what they're saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions." --Conan O'Brien

"And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true." --Conan O'Brien

"During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University's auditorium. She was sitting there, yeah. Yeah, and Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University, but he watched from the Delta Gamma sorority house." --Conan O'Brien

"Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"And by the way, I'm your host for the program. I'm Dave the Plumber." --David Letterman

"I guess I don't need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won't show." --David Letterman

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key." --David Letterman

"But the first debate was podiums. ... Then they had the town hall format. Last night it was desks Now the next debate -- competitive eating." --David Letterman

"Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the '60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he's also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull." --David Letterman

"Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Everybody in New York City has Joe the Plumber fever? Can you feel it? I mean, even the Statue of Liberty was holding a plunger." --David Letterman

"And we were going to have Joe the Plumber on the program. We had him booked on the show. But at the last minute he canceled on us to do an interview with Katie Couric." --David Letterman

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry." --David Letterman

"Do you know who was at the debate last night? Hillary Clinton. That's right. I'm thinking to myself, is it really a good idea to be leaving Bill home alone?" --David Letterman

"I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines." --Seth Meyers

"With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted 'We Are The Champions' and shouted 'I'm King of the World.'" --Amy Poehler

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back." --Stephen Colbert, on the presidential debate

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Joe the Plumber's Answering Machine

10. Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?
9. Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?
8. Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy.
7. Dude -- did you get to meet Fannie Mae?
6. This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?
5. You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers' manager.
4. This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and
I'll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench.
3. Joe, you gotta get a copy of this Late Show Fun Facts book -- it's hilarious!
2. It's Brian from the Late Show, are you available tonight if McCain cancels?
1. It's Madonna, are you seeing anybody?

Tags: Stephen Colbert, Dave Letterman, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Late-Night Political Jokes