Recent Late-Night Political Jokes

"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President President Bush had some good dog advice for the president-elect. Bush advised him to get a dog that's easy to train. Bush said it took almost eight years to get Barney to bite that reporter." --Jay Leno

"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno

"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno

"The big rumor in Washington is that Barack Obama is considering Hillary Clinton to replace Condoleezza Rice as his secretary of state. How about that, huh? That would make Hillary the new white rice, I guess." --Jay Leno

"And this coming Monday, Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting." --Jay Leno

"Vice President-elect Joe Biden met with Vice President Dick Cheney. And you know, you'd think there'd be animosity, no, no. Vice President Cheney was very nice. In fact, Cheney even sent his own personal ambulance to pick him up." --Jay Leno

"Disgraced congressman Mark Foley is talking to the press again. Do you know who he is? Do you remember this Mark Foley guy? He was the congressman who got caught sending explicit emails to underage male pages. Remember that? Do you think he learned his lesson? I don't know. Do you know why he's in town? Jonas Brothers concert. Yeah. It seems so wrong." --Jay Leno

"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno

"In a speech about the economy, President Bush said, 'Our actions are having an impact.' Yeah, I think it's called a recession." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin this week was on her 'You've Got to be Kidding Me' tour. She did more interviews than she did during the campaign, this week. She was on Matt Lauer, she was on Greta Van Susteren, Wolf Blitzer, Larry King. She would have done this show, she said, but there was a scheduling conflict. Either that, or it was because I called her a retarded stewardess." --Bill Maher

"They asked Palin on Fox if she was going to run for president in 2012, and she said, and I'd like to quote this directly. She said, 'I'm like, okay God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I want. I always pray. I'm like, don't let me miss the open door.' Even Britney Spears is at home going, 'You dumb s**t.' Yeah, and you know what Sarah, if God leaves that door open, don't let it hit you in the ass, okay, honey?" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.'" --Bill Maher

"The big political scuttlebutt now is that Obama apparently is asking Hillary Clinton to be secretary of state. A grueling job that would take her all over the world, constantly away from home. Bill Clinton said 'Go for it!'" --Bill Maher

"Cindy McCain was in the Enquirer, did you see this? Apparently, she is cheating on John McCain. They had a picture of her sucking face with a guy they said was an '80s rocker. Ooh, such mystery. Who could that be? Billy Squier? Billy Idol? I don't know. But yeah, apparently, poor John McCain. Unlucky in love. Fortunately, he still has his reputation and his career." --Bill Maher

"President-elect Barack Obama is hard at work selecting a cabinet. And the big rumor today is he might name Hillary Clinton secretary of state. That would be something -- finally a secretary Bill doesn't want to sleep with." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head." --David Letterman

"The last one to be leashed and neutered in the White House was Bill Clinton in his second term." --David Letterman

"Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it." --David Letterman

"But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien

"Big changes, of course, in store for the Obama family. They've been writing about when Barack Obama's daughters, Malia and Sasha, move into the White House, they're gonna have to get used to having a chef cook all their meals. Yeah, the White House chef is furious about the kids. And he said, 'Great, four more years of making Spaghettio's and chicken fingers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain was once again campaigning yesterday. This is true. This time for a Republican senator who's facing a runoff election. So, McCain is out there stumping for him. And you can tell McCain's a little bitter about his defeat because, instead of saying, 'my friends,' he now says, 'my ungrateful bastards.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in the publishing industry are starting to speculate that President Bush is gonna write a book after he leaves office. Yeah, and by write, they mean draw." --Conan O'Brien

"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper." --Conan O'Brien

"It's official. For the next four years, it will be pronounced 'nuclear' [on screen: photo of Obama]." --Seth Meyers

On Monday, First Lady Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a private tour of their residence, without once taking her hand off her pocketbook." --Seth Meyers

"Aides to Barack Obama are preparing a major expansion of the White House communications operations, which will enable them to reach out through the internet directly to the many Obama supporters they collected during the campaign. I just hope he's not one of those guys who updates his Facebook status every five seconds." --Seth Meyers

"Barack Obama met with Hillary Clinton on Friday to see if she would be interested in a role in his administration. 'Of course,' said Hillary. 'I'll take president.'" --Seth Meyers

Tags: Seth Meyers, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Bill Maher, Jay Leno, comedy, satire, jokes

The Tonight Show: McCain On Lieberman

Tags: The Tonight Show: McCain On Lieberman, The Tonight Show, Jay Leno, Joe Lieberman, John McCain

John McCain on the The Tonight Show

I can't believe McCain had the gall to say that Palin didn't have an adverse effect on his campaign.
This is sad, even in failure, he chooses not to embrace reality.

Tags: John McCain comes to The Tonight Show, Jay Leno, John McCain, Sarah Palin

Late-Night Political Jokes

"Political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, 'Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented? Already?'" --Jay Leno

"In fact, starting today, Barack Obama is now going to receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples." --Jay Leno

"Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day One: American Held Hostage!'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, Barack Obama's wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack's first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that's it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm." --Jay Leno

"People are now asking if the Obamas being in the White House will be a return to Camelot. You know like what it was during the Kennedys? As opposed to the last eight years, which is return to the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of famous sound bites will be remembered for this campaign. There were some good ones. Barack Obama saying, what was his one? Oh, 'We are the change that we seek.' John McCain saying, 'I would rather lose an election than lose a war.' Sarah Palin saying, 'Do you have this in size 6?'" --Jay Leno

"Rumor is, still a lot of infighting within the McCain campaign, between the Palin people and the McCain people. Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but earlier today, Sarah Palin put McCain's campaign bus on eBay." --Jay Leno

"In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That's what he said. It's going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley." --Jay Leno

"President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy when they move into the White House. You see that, he promised them a puppy. There's a long tradition of presidential pets. The first President Bush had Millie. Remember Millie, the White House dog? The current Bushes have two dogs, named Barney and Scott. Do you know the name of the dog in the Clinton White House? Bill. Bill was the dog." --Jay Leno

"Nnow that the election is over, people around the world are hoping that America will be less arrogant. Yeah. Ah, who the hell cares what those foreigners think? To heck with them. Lousy foreigners." --David Letterman

"And as you know, like they say, Barack Obama hits the ground running. He is already naming people to be part of the staff. He picked a guy Rahm Emanuel. Rahm Emanuel, is that the holiday the writers are always taking off?" --David Letterman

"But Obama is busy putting together his presidential cabinet. McCain, John McCain, Senator McCain is putting together his medicine cabinet. Maalox, Metamucil, Polydent, on and on." --David Letterman

"Right about now, John McCain is at home, saying, if only I didn't anger Dave, if only I didn't anger Dave. And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate. A mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"I love stuff like this, because it so early that everything now is new and cute and the Obama family looking for a White House dog. ... Once the Obama's choose a dog, he must then be confirmed by the Senate." --David Letterman

"But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached." --David Letterman

"This is fun, because Republican campaign insiders are now spilling their guts about Sarah Palin. Apparently she's not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose, she pistol-whipped it." --David Letterman

"I get this feeling that the country's starting to come together. And actually, it was borne out today in the newspaper. Yesterday, apparently, First Lady Laura Bush called Michelle Obama and invited her and her young daughters to the White House. Isn't that nice? And Laura Bush told Mrs. Obama, 'While I give you a tour, the girls can watch 'Spongebob' with the president.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama -- there's a town in Japan called Obama -- say they're going to invite Barack Obama to visit. Yeah. And actually, a similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected, and he was invited to Horndog, Thailand." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin. He sent her flowers." --Conan O'Brien

"Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After this week's election, this is true, thousands of mothers in Kenya are expected to name their babies Barack Obama. Isn't that cool? Yeah. And then, they'll all be adopted by Angelina Jolie. She's going to have 600,000 kids named Barack Obama" --Conan O'Brien

Newsweek magazine and Fox News are reporting that Sarah Palin did not know that Africa is a continent, she thought this was a country. She didn't know what countries were in the North American Free Trade Agreement, even though it's just us, Canada, and Mexico in North America. Another story said two top McCain aides came to her hotel room to brief her, she came out wet, and wearing nothing but a towel. It sounds a little bit like they're talking about Jessica Simpson, but they're not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But what's interesting about these stories is they come from inside the McCain camp. ... But they're even more horrified by all the money she spent on clothes than they initially let on. Apparently, they told her buy three suit for the convention, and instead she went out and bought $150,000 stuff for her and her family. Every time she put her foot in the mouth, she ruined a $1,200 pair of Manolo Blahniks. The McCain aides described it, and this is a quote, as 'Wasilla Hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"She's still a fighter, though. Upon arriving back in Alaska today ... this was her response to allegations she didn't know that Africa was a continent [on screen: Palin rebuffing charges that she didn't know answers to the aforementioned questions, saying the charges came from a small, bitter type of person]. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to watching Russia. And I wouldn't want to be an elk or a caribou right about now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin has been tagged and reintroduced into the wild. And now that her race for the White House has ended, the news thought it might be a good time to fill us in on some of her shortcomings [on screen: FNC's Carl Cameron talks about reported shortcomings of Palin, such as there were 'real problems with basic civics, government structures, municipal, state and federal government responsibilities']. Well, okay, lots of restaurant children's place mats have civics fun facts. She could have picked that stuff up [on screen: Cameron saying Palin allegedly didn't know Africa is a continent, not a country]. ... All right, big deal, big deal [on screen: Cameron saying Palin allegedly can't name the countries in North America]. She can't name them, but she knows them. I mean there is us, there's gay us to the north, and burrito place." --Jon Stewart

"Well, she wasn't picked for her knowledge. She was picked for her personality [on screen: Cameron continuing his report, saying Palin would look at her press clippings each morning and throw a tantrum]. At least she was reading. I have a question, Jon Stewart from the White Chocolate News. Why are we just hearing about this now? [on screen: Cameron saying 'I wish I can could have told you back at the time, but all of it was put off the record until after the election']. Let me guess, when the Iraq war is over, you got a great story for us" --Jon Stewart

"Sarah Palin thinks the alphabet has 22 letters. She's so dumb she thinks the capital of China is Chinatown. Sarah Palin is so dumb, she thinks billboards are postcards from Giants. The governor of Alaska is so dumb, she thinks soy milk is Spanish for 'I am milk.'" --Daily Show correspondent Wyatt Cenac

David Letterman's Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin

10. Thinks Fox News may still declare her and John McCain the winner.
9. At her wedding instead of "I do," said, "You betcha!"
8. She and Governor Schwarzenegger once exchanged swimsuit-competition posing tips.
7. Prepared for campaign by watching "Legally Blonde 2."
6. Thinks "NAFTA" stands for "Need Another Fifty Thousand for Accessories."
5. Begins every day by reading a passage from the hilarious Late Show Fun Facts book available everywhere.
4. She's a person of interest in five unsolved snow machine hit-and-runs.
3. Abused position as Governor to get free appetizers at Ancorage Applebee's.
2. Already has a new job as Briefcase Babe #12 on "Deal Or No Deal."
1. Her Secret Service code name was "Huh?"

Tags: Late-Night Political Jokes, David Letterman, Wyatt Cenac, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno

Recent Late-Night Political Jokes

"Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." --Jay Leno

"I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she's wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. Show her on the campaign trail today [on screen: Palin during a campaign appearance, and 'appearing' to wear snow shoes]. I'm not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?" --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin told a crowd yesterday, when she campaigns, she doesn't wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she's shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, 'See! I told you I wasn't making it up.'" --Jay Leno

"The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"Senator Joe Biden lost his voice on the campaign trail yesterday. Turns out a hair plug got stuck in his throat." --Jay Leno

"Alaskan Republican Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all counts of taking over $250,000 worth of goods and services from a contractor to do some work on his house. Of course, Stevens still doesn't get it. Like today, he said if he goes to prison, could he get a bay window? He knows a guy who could do it." --Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He's an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn't of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012." --Jay Leno

"In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That's when you know the real estate market's bad, when you're dead and they still foreclose on you." --Jay Leno

"According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, 'See, that's one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy." --Jay Leno

"A large percentage of voters have already voted using early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren't sure if they'll still be alive by next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don't have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now." --Jay Leno

"Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That's such a huge amount of money. It's hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year." --Jay Leno

"One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form." --David Letterman

"Are you excited and tired of the campaign? Excited and tired? One week to go. One week from today is the election. ... We have the elections next week, and then the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals." --David Letterman

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." --David Letterman

"You know what? This always happens in politics. Sarah Palin, when she gets on the ticket, everybody is going, whoa, how about this? Come on. Look out. Here we go. We got us something here, you know. Now everything has turned around. McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. Yep. Wow. Exciting, sexy photos of Sarah Palin. In one of them, I think it's February, she is holding a soapy sponge, scrubbing a moose." --David Letterman

"On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?" --David Letterman

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman

"But Alaskan authorities were tipped off by Russians, who had been watching with binoculars." --David Letterman

"After hearing about him endlessly in the last debate, Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. That's right, yeah. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That's what they're saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?" --Conan O'Brien

"Tough news for John McCain, though. John McCain still trailing in the polls with just a week to go. CNN reported just a few hours ago that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don't have a job." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they've got `Dancing with the Stars.' That's where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely different from the election, of course." --Craig Ferguson

"Let's begin tonight with a brand new segment. This is exciting. Are you in prison? Has your cell mate recently been paroled or been the victim of a library shanking? If so, listen. It's time to meet your new cell mate. Is the anticipation killing you? Is killing a sensitive topic? Your new cell mate is this guy, 84-year-old Alaska Senator Ted Stevens! The Senate's longest-serving Republican, the earl of earmarks, nanook of the pork, the Alaskan king crab, and, as of last night, a convicted felon. To save you, his new roommate, the time of an introduction, hey, man, what are you in for? [on screen: description of Stevens' crimes]. That's hardcore, dude. I ate my mailman. Which bunk do you want?" --Jon Stewart

"You know what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes." --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Recent Late-Night Political Jokes, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Craig Ferguson, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jay Leno, comedy, satire

Michelle Obama On The Tonight Show

Tags: Michelle Obama On The Tonight Show, Jay Leno, Michelle Obama

Late-Night Political Jokes

"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker." --Jay Leno

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man, how he could help him. You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno

"Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them." --Jay Leno

"Well, there was rumors going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he's human." --Jay Leno

"I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there." --Jay Leno

"A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress?" --Jay Leno

"And in a statement with his wife standing next to him -- and the wives always stand; only in politics do the wives stand next to you when you do this kind of stuff -- Mahoney said this is a private matter. The most important thing to him now is his wife. Well, that's got to make her feel special. Of all the women he's sleeping with, you're number one" --Jay Leno

"A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they've seen enough and they don't want any more presidential debates. That's what they're saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions." --Conan O'Brien

"And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true." --Conan O'Brien

"During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University's auditorium. She was sitting there, yeah. Yeah, and Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University, but he watched from the Delta Gamma sorority house." --Conan O'Brien

"Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"And by the way, I'm your host for the program. I'm Dave the Plumber." --David Letterman

"I guess I don't need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won't show." --David Letterman

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key." --David Letterman

"But the first debate was podiums. ... Then they had the town hall format. Last night it was desks Now the next debate -- competitive eating." --David Letterman

"Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the '60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he's also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull." --David Letterman

"Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Everybody in New York City has Joe the Plumber fever? Can you feel it? I mean, even the Statue of Liberty was holding a plunger." --David Letterman

"And we were going to have Joe the Plumber on the program. We had him booked on the show. But at the last minute he canceled on us to do an interview with Katie Couric." --David Letterman

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry." --David Letterman

"Do you know who was at the debate last night? Hillary Clinton. That's right. I'm thinking to myself, is it really a good idea to be leaving Bill home alone?" --David Letterman

"I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines." --Seth Meyers

"With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted 'We Are The Champions' and shouted 'I'm King of the World.'" --Amy Poehler

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back." --Stephen Colbert, on the presidential debate

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Joe the Plumber's Answering Machine

10. Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?
9. Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?
8. Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy.
7. Dude -- did you get to meet Fannie Mae?
6. This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?
5. You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers' manager.
4. This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and
I'll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench.
3. Joe, you gotta get a copy of this Late Show Fun Facts book -- it's hilarious!
2. It's Brian from the Late Show, are you available tonight if McCain cancels?
1. It's Madonna, are you seeing anybody?

Tags: Stephen Colbert, Dave Letterman, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Late-Night Political Jokes