Recent Late-Night Political Jokes

"Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." --Jay Leno

"I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she's wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. Show her on the campaign trail today [on screen: Palin during a campaign appearance, and 'appearing' to wear snow shoes]. I'm not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?" --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin told a crowd yesterday, when she campaigns, she doesn't wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she's shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, 'See! I told you I wasn't making it up.'" --Jay Leno

"The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"Senator Joe Biden lost his voice on the campaign trail yesterday. Turns out a hair plug got stuck in his throat." --Jay Leno

"Alaskan Republican Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all counts of taking over $250,000 worth of goods and services from a contractor to do some work on his house. Of course, Stevens still doesn't get it. Like today, he said if he goes to prison, could he get a bay window? He knows a guy who could do it." --Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He's an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn't of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012." --Jay Leno

"In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That's when you know the real estate market's bad, when you're dead and they still foreclose on you." --Jay Leno

"According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, 'See, that's one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy." --Jay Leno

"A large percentage of voters have already voted using early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren't sure if they'll still be alive by next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don't have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now." --Jay Leno

"Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That's such a huge amount of money. It's hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year." --Jay Leno

"One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form." --David Letterman

"Are you excited and tired of the campaign? Excited and tired? One week to go. One week from today is the election. ... We have the elections next week, and then the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals." --David Letterman

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." --David Letterman

"You know what? This always happens in politics. Sarah Palin, when she gets on the ticket, everybody is going, whoa, how about this? Come on. Look out. Here we go. We got us something here, you know. Now everything has turned around. McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. Yep. Wow. Exciting, sexy photos of Sarah Palin. In one of them, I think it's February, she is holding a soapy sponge, scrubbing a moose." --David Letterman

"On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?" --David Letterman

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman

"But Alaskan authorities were tipped off by Russians, who had been watching with binoculars." --David Letterman

"After hearing about him endlessly in the last debate, Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. That's right, yeah. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That's what they're saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?" --Conan O'Brien

"Tough news for John McCain, though. John McCain still trailing in the polls with just a week to go. CNN reported just a few hours ago that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don't have a job." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they've got `Dancing with the Stars.' That's where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely different from the election, of course." --Craig Ferguson

"Let's begin tonight with a brand new segment. This is exciting. Are you in prison? Has your cell mate recently been paroled or been the victim of a library shanking? If so, listen. It's time to meet your new cell mate. Is the anticipation killing you? Is killing a sensitive topic? Your new cell mate is this guy, 84-year-old Alaska Senator Ted Stevens! The Senate's longest-serving Republican, the earl of earmarks, nanook of the pork, the Alaskan king crab, and, as of last night, a convicted felon. To save you, his new roommate, the time of an introduction, hey, man, what are you in for? [on screen: description of Stevens' crimes]. That's hardcore, dude. I ate my mailman. Which bunk do you want?" --Jon Stewart

"You know what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes." --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Recent Late-Night Political Jokes, Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Craig Ferguson, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Jay Leno, comedy, satire

Recent Late Night Political Jokes

"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert

"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Recent Late Night Political Jokes, Stephen Colbert, Amy Poehler, Seth Meyers, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel

Recent Late Night Jokes

"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson

"Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick." --Craig Ferguson

"Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people." --Craig Ferguson

"And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist]. I was going to go with sheep-f***er." --Jon Stewart

"The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle plan tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that, most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying it's 'reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington]. Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08!" --Jon Stewart

"Now, you can argue this country has dabbled in socialism ever since the income tax was introduced, and calling Obama's plan socialist is a simple deploy that McCain realizes is a bankrupt tactic. Or should I say, realized [on screen: a college student asking McCain why it is that her dad, as a doctor, is penalized in a 'huge tax bracket.' McCain answers that it's because 'to some degree,' he feels that 'obviously that wealthy people can afford more.' The student then asks whether we're 'getting closer to socialism.' McCain says that he believes that 'when you reach a certain level of comfort, there is nothing wrong with paying somewhat more']. That, of course, is the late socialist leader, John McCain. I believe he passed away during the Republican primaries. He will be missed" --Jon Stewart

"Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe. But there is still a huge threat out there. Not al Qaeda, a more sinister organization: ACORN. This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something: voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud [on screen: McCain saying ACORN is participating in one of the 'greatest frauds in voter history in this country' that 'may be destroying the fabric of democracy']. And we all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile, because it is made out of the Founding Fathers' pantyhose." --Stephen Colbert

"You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse" --Stephen Colbert

Tags: Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Recent Late Night Jokes

Craig Ferguson on McCain suspending his Campaign

Tags: Craig Ferguson on McCain suspending his Campaign, Craig Ferguson, John McCain