"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson
"Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick." --Craig Ferguson
"Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people." --Craig Ferguson
"And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that." --Craig Ferguson
"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist]. I was going to go with sheep-f***er." --Jon Stewart
"The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle plan tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that, most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying it's 'reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington]. Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08!" --Jon Stewart
"Now, you can argue this country has dabbled in socialism ever since the income tax was introduced, and calling Obama's plan socialist is a simple deploy that McCain realizes is a bankrupt tactic. Or should I say, realized [on screen: a college student asking McCain why it is that her dad, as a doctor, is penalized in a 'huge tax bracket.' McCain answers that it's because 'to some degree,' he feels that 'obviously that wealthy people can afford more.' The student then asks whether we're 'getting closer to socialism.' McCain says that he believes that 'when you reach a certain level of comfort, there is nothing wrong with paying somewhat more']. That, of course, is the late socialist leader, John McCain. I believe he passed away during the Republican primaries. He will be missed" --Jon Stewart
"Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe. But there is still a huge threat out there. Not al Qaeda, a more sinister organization: ACORN. This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something: voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud [on screen: McCain saying ACORN is participating in one of the 'greatest frauds in voter history in this country' that 'may be destroying the fabric of democracy']. And we all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile, because it is made out of the Founding Fathers' pantyhose." --Stephen Colbert
"You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse" --Stephen Colbert
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