"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers
"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers
"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher
"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher
"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher
"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher
"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher
"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher
"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher
"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher
"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher
"The economy has become the central issue in this presidential campaign. I haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"And what makes it even stranger is that Sarah Palin knows full well that God supports Barack Obama. I mean, look [on screen: Oprah stumping for Obama in IA after endorsing him]. There she is, at one of his rallies!" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel
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